prodigals

I thought that I understood grace. I mean, I've sung about it my whole life, so I must know what I'm singing about... right?

wrong.

so wrong.

couldn't be wronger. wronger??? is that a word? I declare that it is.

to be me grace was the assurance that I was going to heaven, that Jesus forgave my sins and now I'm a good little Christian Lacey, ready to live the rest of my life like a good little Christian does so that I can make Jesus happy. If I do the right, Christian things then I'm showing God how much I love him and appreciate his gift to me, right? I'm showing God that I can be what he wants me to be, holy and sanctified before him.

problem: I completely fail at this. I sin over and over again. My flesh gets in the way and I beat myself up with an internal narrative of, "Lacey. How could you do that again?? What right do you have to get so angry? You owe it to God to control your actions. Lacey... you are such a sinner. You are just so unworthy of what God has done for you... how dare you call yourself a Christian."

ever felt like that? I sure have. Its debilitating. Paralyzing. and drives so many people to run from Christianity.

here the thing though. Its not supposed to be like that. Somewhere along the way God's plan and love for us has been lost in translation. Lost amongst a do-it-yourself, independent, self-sufficient world that tries to save ourselves. When we fail (and we will) we are left feeling hopeless and completely inadequate. How could God love such a failure as me?

I can't even begin to try and put into clear words a picture of what the last few weeks have been like, but the simple fact is that I'm learning that grace, true grace, is enough. True grace comes at no cost to the wrongdoer. Nothing.

We've sinned. Its true, there's no avoiding it. But the thing is that God desires relationship with us so deeply that he was willing to pay the debt we owe. God is just, there had to a payment made (sin always comes at a cost), but through Jesus we are bought. This is something I really had to struggle through... I was purchased, the deal is done. Because I was purchased, I owe God nothing. I can't. Even now, this blows my mind. Our strivings to do things or live in ways that prove our Christianity robs God of his glory as our one and only savior. Its nothing I do, but everything that he did.

Right now we're reading The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller and this portion spoke volumes to me.

"To find God we must repent of the things we have done wrong, but if that is all you do you may remain just an elder brother. To truly become Christians we must also repent of the reasons we ever did anything right. Pharisees only repend of their sins, but Christians repent for the very roots of their righteousness too. We must learn how to repent of the sin under all our other sins and under all our righteousness- the sin of seeking to be our own Savior and ord. We must admit that we've put our ultimate hope and trust in things other than God, and that in both our wrongdoing and right doing we have been seeking to get around God or get control of God in order to get hold of those things."

Last week I got to talk with a man named John who had a group of his youth at Pine Cove to volunteer. The unique thing about John is that he and his wife have adopted almost ten children. Fostering and adopting has kept coming up over and over again over the last few months, but John's story brought me right back to the gospel all over again. You see, John and his wife adopted Jack many years ago. Jack was rough. He cussed and fought and yelled at John's wife constantly. Even after the adoption was complete he still acted this way. He had a new identity, but he wasn't acting like it. He was still operating under his old way of thinking. John explained that it took a long time, but eventually Jack started to act like his son. When Jack's adoption was complete, he became John's son and nothing was going to change that face. John loved him like a son and desired that relationship with him, even when Jack wasn't acting out of his new identity. Although Jack did everything to fight against John's love, nothing could change the finality and truth of who Jack was now. As Jack transformed, it didn't change John's love but it did create a stronger relationship. Jack didn't owe John anything, he couldn't pay him back for  inviting him into his family, nor did John want him to. That would've been offensive. No adoptive parent wants their new children to pay them for their love, it would be ridiculous.

and our adoption into relationship with God is the same way. We don't deserve it, we don't earn it. We don't pay back for it. and we don't always know what it looks like to walk in our holiness. but we are called holy and nothing can change that.

heavy. really heavy.

but what a relief.