leaving Belle behind, but not forgotten

i've been putting this off for so long because i knew it would be painful, but its time. yep. time to wrap up the Pine-Coveness and move on to Baylor world.

i will never be the same. its as simple and complex as that. Pine Cove will forever have an extremely special place in my heart that only grows the longer I am away. No matter how much I talk about camp, or put up camp pictures in my new room or try to grasp little bits of camp in my everyday life, nothing will ever compare to reflecting back on the truth of what God did in my heart.

to begin, my last week. ugh, i shudder even seeing those words on-screen. LAST. i couldn't imagine leaving, but then again my body was SO done and ready to leave. Almost poetically, my last cabin (as well as my first cabin) was 5th grade, Pattertwig 2. It was incredible to have a direct comparison of how much God had changed my heart over the summer by placing me with essentially the same cabin for my first and last week. My mentality, outlook and heart was in SUCH a completely different place during the last week than it was the first week. Rather than just trying to get through the week without falling apart, I understood the value of every second with those girls. It wasn't about me being the counselor that was seen or heard or well known, I just wanted my girls to fully know what it meant to be loved and valued by their creator, and it was one of the best weeks of the summer. I had a really hard cabin, for SURE (two of my girls rode into camp on the back of their Dad's motorcycles, fellow bikers in tow) but God used their stubborn nature to challenge me and teach me the power of tone. For the most part all of my cabins through the summer were SO obedient, but this one... not so much. HOWEVER, one precious child, Annie, taught me more about love in five minutes than anything else ever could. On Monday night we were praying together before Pitch Black Attack, a time when it is usually really hard to capture the kid's attention because they are so excited about the game. I gave each girl the opportunity to pray aloud, which got us off to a great start for the week. I could tell these girls each understood a relationship with Christ and needed to be taught the next steps of growing closer to him. When we finished praying I looked up and Annie was bawling, like really really sobbing. I took her aside while I told the girls to talk about their favorite kind of cookies, trying to make it subtle that she was upset. When I asked her what was wrong I was expecting her to feel overwhelmed, possibly homesick or maybe upset because she felt pressured to pray out loud. But no. Precious Annie told me, "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to cry.... I just am so happy that God is close to us right now. I can really feel that he loves me RIGHT NOW." oooooh man. i almost lost it, right there on the porch of the rock. She was so genuinely sorry to worry me, that she immediately wiped her tears and gave me a huge hug. We talked for a few minutes about the many ways God shows us his love and how real he is that we can just talk to him, with her still tearing up every few minutes. God was pursuing her heart so hardcore, right there in front of my eyes. Not to sound cliche, but it was beautiful. It was such a perfect picture of what God intends for his children. He pursues our hearts, and we simply have to accept the pursuit. Its not a complex issue of "figuring God out," its love to the fullest. Throughout the week Annie continued to be pursued by God and she accepted his love so whole-hearted. She sought out my guidance on how to have a quiet time and how to hear God's voice. WHOA. talk about high pressure, trying to explain to a fifth grader what it means to hear God's voice. But God was faithful to give me words and wisdom that wasn't my own.

oh yeah. and.... we WON pitch black attack. i felt achieved. haha.

its impossible to try and capture an entire summer in a blog. and to try and culminate what God's showed me, is even harder. God confirmed so much about myself that he had been showing me throughout the year. About loneliness, and how God's grace is so sufficient. About pride and how it shows up in our lives in sneaky ways we don't expect, like insecurity. About giving all of yourself, and what that really looks like. I know there are things that God begun in my heart, that I won't realize the full impact until later, and there are some things that make so much more sense now that I've been to Pine Cove.

one thing is so undeniably clear: God has called me to the lives of children, and that will never change. Its something that has been a part of me for years, but not until this summer did I realize the influence that calling purpose has on our joy. When I was fully aware and participating in God's purpose and calling for me this summer, my joy was genuine and complete. But when I swayed towards my selfish desires, I found myself lacking and incomplete.

I'm learning to capture the HERE and the NOW, rather than focusing so much on the future. One of my top strengths according to Baylor is "futuristic" and I've learned that as much as that is a strength, it can also be such a hindrance to fully understanding what God has for me in this moment. The song "Rise" by Robbie Seay has been my anthem for this summer, and that doesn't seem to be changing as the school year is beginning. This week I have begun the crazy hectic life of a CL once again and I've had to remind myself to rest in the here and the now, that even at Baylor, God has given me a window of time to minister to others and that window will close eventually. At camp we constantly reminded each other that we only had 6 days. 6 days to show them God's love and allow their hearts to be changed. While my time at Baylor isn't nearly as short as camp, the opportunities to be intentional are so different. so i will be here, be now and rest fully in God's grace.