conjunctivitis: a tearful episode

So this week I had the crib. JOY of my life. I was in heaven every single day. Every one of my girls were little babies, fresh out of first grade, thrilled to be at Pine Cove. No homesickness, no bed-wetting, just perfection. I mean, no lie... it was hard to constantly be tying their shoes and making sure they didn't put their clothes in a puddle at the pool or lose their jeans at the barn, but for the most part I was thrilled to play "mommy" for a week. I was SO in my element, so comfortable, so happy. Everyone kept asking with a pitiful look, "Belle, how are you... do you need a break? Hows everything going...." and I could answer with all honesty that everything was fine and I was doing great. My girls were HALARIOUS. They said the funniest things. Like one girl, Laura. Every time I asked her the classic time-filler questions like "what's your favorite icecream" or "would you rather..." she ALWAYS answered "not important." flat out. not important. Not with a rude tone at all, usually with a cute little 7 year old grin... "not important." haha. so i learned, don't ask Laura about cookies or ice cream... they aren't important. was was important to her through, listening to others. it BLEW ME AWAY how intently she listened to me. not just for directions or instructions, she listened to every word i said and then remembered it later. On Saturday we were packing up our things and she mentioned something i had said waaaaay earlier in the week, completely off-hand. I was floored. I just looked at her and was like "wait. you remember that?" She replies... "yes. of course. you said it, thats important." wow. talk about a check to remember that these kids really DO hear everything we say.

highlight of the week: playing the pool with my kids. it was one of those moments when i was SO fully happy exactly where I was and couldn't imagine being anywhere other than that pool, with those little girls in that moment. and what makes it better, Falalalaladdin got a picture of it. So awesome.

lowlight(?) of the week: NOT playing in the pool with my kids. because of stupid pinkeye. I had really been looking foward to Friday freetime because I knew after I finished my CQs that I could go to the pool and have a one-on-one with Laura and then just play with my girls. We really don't get a lot of time to just play with them, so I was looking foward to it. Thursday night is the Christmas dance, which is pretty much my favorite thing EVER. its SO much fun watching the kids just be silly and dance around like kids should. So we finish dinner and go to brush our teeth when I realize that my eye is acting funky. I didn't really worry about it too much, I thought it was just my contact. When I looked in the mirror though, I was crushed. my eye was pink and I KNEW that i had the dreaded PC pink eye. ugh. So I left my girls with my co-counselor and went to the doctor right away. I was so flustered that i didn't even really say bye to my girls, I just kinda dashed out the door. So.... i stayed in quarantine for a day to make sure that i didn't infect anyone else, missing all day Friday including Buffalo Hunt. to say the least, i was really disappointed. All the way into town I just cried and cried and cried. I called my mom and LOST it. it was so strange though... i was most upset about missing free time with my girls. nothing else really. i really wanted that time to just be with them on my own, and i was missing that completely.

through my sadness, i realized that God was stretching me and teaching me. First of all, that sometimes I just can't control everything. I'm so fiercely determined sometimes that it takes things like pink eye to FORCE me to stop and rest. All week, i had needed to go to the nurse to get some cold medicine, but I was so determined to keep going that I just ignored my body screaming at me. Most of all, God taught me to truly capture and live in every single moment that I have. Time is slipping away really quickly and I only have 6 days with the girls God has given me. I only have 2 weeks left in this place that is so specially set apart from the rest of the world. Only. On Thursday I had felt myself getting a little frustrated with the girls and being a little bit short with them, but on Friday I wanted nothing more than to be with them, telling them to hurry up and put on their shoes.

Troggie said it best. week 3 is breakdown week. So TRUE. I was not feeling the need for a breakdown at ALL. I was fine. So God pre-planned a breakdown for me, knowing that I was finding my dependence on myself and my own strength, not HIS. and Saturday... oh man. Saturday was strange. I was walking through Walmart talking on the phone to my mom and i just broke down in the middle of the athletic shorts section. out of NOWHERE. i just started blubbering on and on and on to Mom about things that had been in my heart, but I didn't really let anyone know about... because I didn't know how to fully handle them.

But oh God is SO faithful. at church the worship guy told a story that hit me exactly where I needed and set my mind so in the right direction.

basically: God is sufficient. no matter whether its a day that i feel completely satisfied with where I am or if i fully completely alone, he is there and unchanging.